i will fight.

To the three little boys I love the very most —

I am your mother but I am also imperfect.  I wake up each day resolving to do my best but sometimes I fall.  I make mistakes.  And I say I'm sorry.  Because I am.  I so want to give you the best of me.  The very very best but sometimes I'm afraid you get the exhausted watered-down version and that's not fair.

But I will promise you this —

I will fight for you.
I will fight for you before you have a voice and long after my own voice fades away.
I will fight for your innocence.
I will fight for your youth.
I will help you learn how to stand on your own two feet and then I will hope.
Hope that I did enough.
There will be pain, sorrow, happiness and joy.  It is what you do with it that matters most.
When the world tries to crush you, I will cheer you on.
I will be your biggest fan.
I will support you and love you to the ends of the earth and beyond.
I will teach you.
I will adore you.
I will hug and kiss you.
And then I will step back and watch you one day do the same.

xo
mom

Some days I question my ability to do this.  All of this.  Motherhood is pure awesomeness to an infinite power and yet so daunting that it can paralyze you.  As the world becomes a bit darker and more scary, I realize the sacred power I hold in my hands.  No one will love my boys as deep and as fierce as I do.  No one wants them to succeed more.  Who am I to expect someone else to teach them kindness, humility, love and service?

These are some of the deep-rooted reasons I choose to home school.  The public school system will not churn out a well-rounded, socialized, highly intelligent, service oriented, kind hearted, well educated human being — I will, you will.  I want my boys to know our normal, not the normal the world imposes on them.

Home schooling is my story, it may not be yours and that's okay.  Whether you home school, public school, charter school or private school, it is our job to teach them, to be involved and be present.  May the force be with you mamas!  You're doing great.

there is no me without you.

Every night, since the day Nicholas Gray was born, I have sung him this song.  All About Your Heart, by Mindy Gledhill.  It is our song.  And every night, as we rocky rock, I sing it to him.  On a few occasions he has joined in with me.  Last night, I had my phone on me.  And so I pulled it out and requested that he sing along.

I do not sing.  I actually do not really enjoy singing.  This may be the one and only time you ever hear me sing.  So lets just focus on the darling little boy who has stolen my heart.

unplanned.

Sometimes the unplanned moments make the best of memories.  Nic was cursed with a round of double pink eye this week.  Yuck to the highest degree.  So one night I loaded up Tyler + the Nicster and we skipped drove on down to our Sonic.  A sweetheart milkshake and a little playtime time in the driver seat seemed, if only for a moment, to chase the bluey blues away.

a look at 2012.

I've never done a review but I thought I would give it a go before we get too far in to 2013.  And seeing as I didn't blog here a lot last year, this post should be done lickety-split.

In January, we rang in the new year with sparkles and confetti.  I once again declare my longing for warmer weather.  Nicholas has his first scooter ride and we find ourselves enjoying lots of family movie nights.

In February, I daydream about sleep. Nicholas grows a lot of teeth.  We celebrate Valentine's day with Tyler and his kinder class.  And I reminisce about our old house and how much more I like the new one.

In March, there is an update about a boy, one fun run and a family excursion to Sandy Lake Park!

In April, I talk about change.

In May, I research home school curriculum and then research a little more.

In June, I pour my heart out about motherhood.

In July, we discover two baby bunnies in our pumpkin patch.  My Granny passes away and I catch Matt sleeping during Sunday school.  Nic shakes his booty.

In August, I try to summon fall.

In September, I kick off the month by watching You've Got Mail, followed by a special nine year old's birthday celebration.

In October, I speak of change.  We take our annual trip to the pumpkin patch.

 
In November, I recap the collecting of candy and a little boy's birthday party. I confess my love of the mountains and I give myself a pep talk.

In December, I recall our time spent in Disney, here + here + here + here + here.  We celebrate Christmas and even get snow!

And there you have it.  That's a wrap!

our days.

If one were to peak into our windows and view our days, I am pretty sure that person would yawn and be on their way.  Our days are filled with normal.

We stick around the house most days.  We don't live in the city.  We drive everywhere.  And we make weekly runs to target.  We eat cereal for breakfast and dinner is served at 5:30.  Our days are simple.  They speak a quiet reassurance that all is well.

The weather has been blustery cold (for Texas).  Snow was dropped on our doorstep for the second time this winter and even though it creates a mess, it is magical.  The tiny flurries fluttering down in the light of the moon, silently landing upon this and that, how could you not smile?

I am looking forward to spring, when the Earth wakes up and the flowers push through their sleepiness.  Being cooped up inside, with sniffles and coughs, make the days seem so much longer than usual.

But until Spring taps on our door, we shall enjoy the stillness of the winter while it lasts.

here we go.

I still can not wrap my mind around the fact that it is a new year.  2013.  As cliche as it sounds, I don't know where the time went.  Benny is now my big six year old, Tyler will be turning eight in June and getting baptized and this fall my baby will be three.  Oh and we can throw in the small detail that I will be moving on up to my thirties come April 27th.  I am not quite sure how to feel about that.

I will admit I am a complete wimp when it comes to cold weather.  As much as I loathe the hot Texas summers, I am always cold.  Cold feet.  Cold hands.  There is a chill in my bones that I can not chase away.  My dreams of living in the mountains may have just vanished in a puff of frigid air.  Maybe it is time to come to terms with the fact that I am a fair weather gal.  60's/70's, a light breeze.  That sounds welcoming right now.  Hmmm, where is that possible?

The last two years have been anything but fair weather.  I have cried, asked why, hobbled through growing pains, humbled myself in prayer and have tried to learn the lessons He is teaching me.  Life has been uncertain, a bit topsy-turvy and a smidgen scary.  I crave certainty, like my body craves oxygen and so I have grasped onto the only certain thing in my life.  F A M I L Y.  They are my life line.  My four boys have a firm hold on my heart and are the reason I try and give my all, every single day.

I will make it happen this year.  Watch out 2013.  I will hold nothing back.  I will rock the socks of each of the twelve months and blaze through this year on fire.  It is up to me.  I choose happiness.  I choose my family.  I choose me.

This week I will take pen to paper and officially declare my goals for the year.  I am still mulling them over, giving thought to what I really want to achieve, how I want to live.

And so I bid goodnight, because I know one goal I always want to achieve, new year or not — get more sleep!

my Benny turns SIX.

Six years ago, on a chilly January afternoon, Benny finally made his appearance and a welcome one it was.  He had a head full of dark silky hair and cheeks to pinch.  Six year later, he is passionate and tender and full of life.  He tries my patience, speaks to my heart and amazes me with his creativity.

He already received two presents early, lucky little boy.  He received a brand new, shiny white 20" bike from my parents.  It is all sorts of lovely and so completely well made that, should he treat it nicely, will grow with him over the next two years.  Tyler was a bit jealous but understood he could ask for one on his birthday too.  And then, he sweet talked Matt and me into giving him his Battleship game.  We caved and he jumped for joy.  He shares his emotions so freely, the good and the bad, but his smiles are always genuine, which make them that much better!

I have a few more "surprise" gifts to wrap for that birthday boy of mine.  He makes me stretch and grow each day and encourages me to become a better person.  A better mother.

He is excelling so well in school.  He enjoys math and loves any type of art.  Benny is always up for drawing something and loves to share his art work with anyone who wants to see.

He can ride his bike with no stabilizers.
He can build a lego structure like no other.
He loves to flip around and cartwheel through the house.
He loves to rock out to a good song.
He adores zipping down the road with the windows rolled down.
His favorite restaurants are CPK and Pei Wei's.
He loves to be outside playing with friends.

Happy sixth birthday my sweet Benjamin Jack!